Super Bowl Update

And so, all so-bad-it's-good things must come to an end. It's the end of the season, an end of an era, and the end of me recapping a show that was on the air 20 years ago. I am pleased that I stayed the course and finished the whole 13 episode arc. Stick-to-it-iveness is the mantra for 2011 around here. If anyone out there has been reading these recaps and enjoying them, I appreciate you staying with me. It's been quite a journey and I'm glad we took it together. Now, for one last time, let's get down to the angsty business at hand.

Last time, on FIFTEEN. Well, before we get to that, let's review the whole effing season. This happened, and then this. Followed by this. And this. This. This. Then This. This. This. Who could forget this? Then this. And then most recently: Ashley was caught cheating on a test to the delight of Brooke and Courtney. Jake tried to kiss Courtney and it was a disaster because she is a total disaster. Brooke and Kelly finally drove Ashley to a total psychotic break. Kelly assured a mysterious caller that Brooke was finally about to get taken down!

Episode 13: The Worm Turns. I honestly wasn't very familiar with this expression, so I turned to the internets to edumacate me. Dictionary.com tells us "The worm turns" is a term used to describe when a person or group of people who have been treated badly for a long time suddenly become forceful and stop accepting a difficult situation. Ooooh, watch out Brooke! Comeuppance is just around the corner!!


Brooke's Gigantor Bedroom. Brooke lounges around reading the geography paper she purchased that is filled with Olaf's Notes. Theresa comes in without saying anything and just stares at her. Finally Brooke tells her to stop spying. Theresa's like "not me! I'm not a spy! Just perhaps an accomplice to your impending demise!" Brooke calls her out on always lurking, and since Theresa is totally a lurker and has been all season, she has no defense. Brooke also tells her to keep her mouth shut about the purchased geography paper and Theresa grouses that she always does. Brooke shares with Lil Sis that today is the day that she officially announces her bid for Student Council President. Theresa wishes her good luck, but Brooke calls her out on being a total fake about it. Theresa guesses being a total fake is just a habit she picked up from Brooke, and then stomps out of the room. Oooh! Burned by Theresa! That's pretty bad. Brooke rightfully feels embarrassed that her sister scored a point on her so easily.


Avalon - Counter of Counterproductive Attitudes. Olaf and Cindy come over to talk to Jake, who looks troubled and exhausted. And then it's like five minutes of boring exposition. I don't know why they give so much exposition to Jake when he just can't make it interesting. Basically we learn Ashley isn't going to school after cheating on her test. And she's going nuts at her house. Also, Olaf still hasn't found his notes, so he has to hope his teacher is understanding that he has no assignment to turn in. Now let's get back to the Shakespearean Tragedy that is Brooke.


Hillside - Main Hall. Brooke is standing around a bunch of extras alongside Kelly declaring her candidacy for Student Council President. They pepper her with all the usual questions: who else is running (no one - so far!) will she organize more school dances (absolutely!) will she reduce homework (read my lips: I'm not making any promises!) She's handling everyone like the slick politician she was born to be. Dylan comes down the stairs and Kelly wanders over to him. They share a laugh over Brooke's boundless ambition.


Then Kelly kinda throws herself at him out of nowhere. She invites herself over to his place to hear him play. He laughs in her face. She's all WTF is your problem? Dylan just wanders away. Kelly grimaces in the wake of such rejection. It's such a weird exchange. I guess they just want to show you that Kelly's not gonna be able to manipulate everyone so easily? I don't know. Kelly still rules!


Hillside - Boys Locker Room. Drunk Matt approaches Jake and asks if there's anything Jake wants to take back from their argument the other day. Jake truly does not. Drunk Matt seems to feel bad about ruining Ashley's life so thoroughly. He tells Jake he tried to make amends but Ashley won't talk to him. Jake suggests to Drunk Matt that he sober up and try to figure out another way to make things right. And then he storms out. I enjoy Jake most when he's calling Matt on all his bullshit. These two dudes should not be friends.


Hillside - Main Hall. Brooke and Kelly walk down the hall discussing Ashley's current condition. Kelly gleefully suggests that Ashley's so far gone that she'll drop out of school. Brooke expresses almost a pang of remorse for all the bad shit they did to her over the past twelve episodes of the show. Kelly is shocked. Brooke tells her it's a momentary thing and it will pass - especially since Ashley cheated on the test all on her own, and doesn't deserve any sympathy. Speaking of cheating, Kelly asks if Brooke turned in the geography paper yet. THE ONE SHE PAID FOR! Brooke tries to get Kelly to drop the subject since she doesn't want to talk about things in school that could result in a political scandal. She asks to see the campaign posters and Kelly displays them - upside down. Brooke has her flip them around and they look plain but professionally made. Brooke guesses they will be okay and orders Kelly to start putting them up all over school. Kelly agrees with minimum fuss since she's about to destroy Brooke anyway. Brooke registers Kelly's strange attitude but doesn't pursue it. Too bad for you, Brooke.

Hillside - Olaf's Corner. Olaf and Jake eat lunch and talk about the geography paper and Olaf's misunderstanding the difference between the words expansion/extension, but the visual gem of this scene is that while they are talking, Brooke covers up an environmental issues poster that has a picture of the Earth with Brooke's campaign poster so that it reads "It's the only one we've got - BROOKE FOR PRESIDENT. I appreciate this moment a lot because that stupid poster of the Earth has been hanging on the side of the soda machine for the whole season, so it's not like they just put it there this episode to create the visual gag. Someone in the art department was thinking ahead!


Anyway, Kelly inserts herself into their conversation and brings up several potential conspiracy theories regarding Olaf'sNotesGate. The idea that someone in his class stole his notes would almost make sense except that the thief would run an extreme risk of getting caught. Still Kelly insists something is fishy. Olaf and Jake begin to get suspicious of what she knows and Kelly backs off, leaving them to ponder what she's said. These guys are nice, but they are not smart enough to piece together that Kelly stole his notes or is somehow involved in what happened to them. Oh, boys.


Hillside, Olaf's Corner Sans Olaf. It's later, and Jake is by himself. Courtney comes over and she seems to have a not-totally-stank attitude which is nice. They discuss Ashley's deteriorating mental condition. Have we even seen Ashley yet this episode? She has to show up at some point, no? Courtney has some good news in the midst of all the darkness. She's been asked to write a play for submission to an Arts Festival. Jake is happy for her! Courtney tells him it will probably be about a stupid girl who treated the guy she's friends with really horribly for no reason just because he liked her. It will be titled "Why Am I So Heinous?: The Courtney Simpson Story." Jake tries to apologize for the awkward kiss attempt, but Courtney rightfully says it was all her fault and she has no idea why she reacted that way. She was just upset about other things and was surprised and handled it badly. This is a very mature assessment of the situation for Courtney! She asks if they can still be friends. Jake says sure and then asks her out on a date to see Shakespeare in the Park. Wait, what? Courtney accepts. But are they going as friends? Is it a romantic date? Oh, Jake! You are right back where you started! SPECIFY YOUR INTENTIONS!!!


Avalon. Theresa and Billy are trying to look at each other from across the room without directly looking at each other. NO! They would be a horrible couple. Dylan comes in and teases him about Theresa and asks him to join a band Dylan is forming. Billy is excited. Hooray for mercifully shorts scenes!


Hillside - Stairs of Sadness. Olaf and Cindy meet up. He got his extension/expansion for his paper. He is also going to organize a school debate on discrimination at the request of his geography teacher. This plot point isn't going anywhere in the future, just so you know. Then Olaf switches gears and tells Cindy how depressed Jake is because nobody sees him as more than a friend. "Girls?" Cindy clarifies. "Exactly! ... At least I think so..." replies Olaf. Cindy resolves to give Jake a little pep talk to get his groove back.


Hillside - Girls Locker Room. Ahh, when frenemies turn into full-on enemies. Brooke says she just got a note from the teacher to go see the principal. Kelly is all, "Is SOMETHING WRONG??" Brooke is all, "no, he probably just wants to congratulate me on running for student council president." Kelly is relieved. For a second she feared Brooke was in some sort of... TROUBLE! Brooke is totally weirded out by Kelly's moustache-twirling attitude. Kelly gathers her things and tells Brooke to say hi to the principal for her as she bwahahahahaha's! her way out the door. Brooke can't figure out what is up with her devious scheming friend, Kelly. OMG, connect the dots Brooke. You are SCREWED!


Hillside - Olaf's Corner Sans Olaf. Drunk Sad Matt is slumped on the bench. Jake comes over. They discuss Ashley. Matt's voice is all hoarse. I don't know what that's supposed to represent. Matt says Ashley is gonna be sent to private school. She doesn't wanna come back to Hillside. Jake doesn't know what they're gonna do. Matt might be heading out of town too. His parents found his hidden booze in his room and he is now in line to be sent to a substance abuse program. His whole life is falling apart. He is devastated. He runs away. Jake runs after him. Maybe we really DON'T see Ashley this episode... Weird, that she wouldn't be in the season finale.

Last Time on FIFTEEN: Matt got falling down drunk in the park and then he and Ashley got in this HUGE fight about it. Brooke had a geography paper she couldn't be bothered with and paid Kelly's sister to write it for her. Dylan was a jerk to both Billy and Courtney, so Cindy let him know just how she felt about it because she never heard the expression MYOB. Matt thought Ashley was spreading details about his DRINKING PROBLEM around school, so he dumped her ass.

Episode 12 - Hanging In The Balance

Opening Credits: The previouslies were kinda long this week. It's like they realized they had all these stories they have to wrap up because the season was ending. They'd never leave us with a bunch of loose ends they'd never tie up, would they? WOULD THEY??? (they would.)


Avalon - Conspirator's Corner. Ashley recounts to Jake how Matt dumped her, even though we JUST SAW IT in the previouslies. Jake thinks it's crazy that people at school found out about Matt. How could anyone else have known? They were the only two people who knew and the only two people who were openly discussing it at the top of their voices in a diner within earshot of half the school. It just seems impossible! Jake says he'll set things straight with Matt, but Ashley doesn't even WANT to get back with him. She's just over the whole messed up ordeal. Worse than all of it, she has a math test she is totally unprepared for! Also? Bitch has lost her fool mind. Jake can't think of anything supportive to say. He is out of his depth. Crazed Ashley just runs away from him. So sad!


Hillside - Student Lounge. Courtney walks up to Billy and asks if he's okay. He is. Does he wanna hang out with her after school? No, he's hanging out with Olaf. Courtney is surprised to hear this since Billy had previously ditched Olaf, but Billy explains zzzzzzz...... What? Oh. Sorry. Billy explains that Olaf took him back and forgave him for being a wang. Courtney thinks Olaf's pretty neat. Jeez, Courtney! Your endorsement could've helped both of them out if you gave it 4 episodes ago. She leaves Billy alone and wanders off...


...to see Ashley participating in on our favorite game show, Whose Locker Is It Anyway? Ashley is fumbling with books in a random locker. Her hair is CRAY-CRAY. Things are not right in her head, folks! Courtney asks Ashley about the rumors she's been hearing about Matt and Ashley breaking up over his rampant alcoholism. Ashley confirms that it's true. Courtney tells her not to worry and that maybe it's not really over. Ashley's like "Nah, it's cool. That relationship sucked." She's so okay with being done with Matt! She is not okay with failing her MATH TEST, which she fears she is fated to do. She studied for eight hours and nothing stuck in her brain. Courtney's like, "yeah, but about Matt... and DRINKING... and rumors... and you not confiding to me about this stuff... " Ashley yells at Courtney that she can't deal with this bullshit and runs off half-crazy again, this time to the library. Courtney thinks the best action here is to stand still and watch her runaway. This is why Ashley didn't talk to you about this shit, Courtney! You are simultaneously useless and stone cold.


Hillside - Boy's Locker Room. Matt and Jake are already mid-argument. Man, everyone at Hillside is having such a bad day today! Jake's trying to tell Matt that Ashley didn't tell anyone that he's an alcoholic. Matt says if it wasn't Ashley spreading rumors, than it had to be Jake. Jake says it wasn't him! So Matt insists it had to be Ashley! Jake is getting tired of Matt in a major way, so Matt just gives him an ultimatum. If he wants to side with Ashley, then he and Matt are no longer friends. Matt storms out and Jake tries to come up with one negative thing about that scenario.


Close up on chicken-scratch posing a homework. It's Ashley trying to learn Math right before she's tested on it. Picture it: Hillside - The Table in the Middle of the Hall. Ashley looks crazed. Brooke slinks over to her, ready to wage more psychological warfare. When Ashley sees her, she slams the book closed. Why? What's she hiding? Brooke tells her that she's SO SORRY to hear Matt dumped her. Being dumped by an alcoholic is the worst shame ever! Ashley writhes in her seat as Brooke continues to twist the knife. Finally Ashley can't take the verbal daggers and shouts - yes, shouts! - at Brooke to keep her nose out of Ashley's life. With that, Ashley runs off (yet again. third time this episode) to lose the rest of her mind in private. Have I mentioned there's some weird giant poster on display right behind the table? Because there is. Also, Brooke has an ENORMOUS yellow binder with her. For someone who never does her own Homework it looks like she takes a lot of notes.


Brooke sees Olaf sitting at the other table. Wait, what other table? There's always only been one table in this area. Did they just add another table because the scene called for it? Seriously, the whole set up is different! Oh, Show. We are twelve episodes in! Don't try to pull this crap now. I've already dialed the Continuity Police so many times, but they will be here to take your statement by the time of the next commercial break.

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah. Brooke comes over to Olaf and complains about Ashley's stank attitude. Brooke was just trying to make her feel like less than dirt, why did Ashley have to get all hostile? Brooke fills in Olaf on everything you've just seen for the past two episodes. He didn't know it was happening because he was busy building recycling bins and working on his... geography project? OMG, OLAF'S NOTES!!! I forgot this was an actual plot point. Oh good, good, good! Brooke is impressed at the depth of his research. Olaf laments that it's just notes and he still has to write the actual paper. Brooke makes a joke about paying someone to do it for him which is actually kinda funny. Then she wanders off without really having been a bitch to him at all for the entire conversation. I wouldn't have thought it possible!


Avalon - Counter of Counterproductive Attitudes. Dylan comes in and spots Courtney. He tries to apologize, but she refuses to listen to him. She informs him that they are not friends anymore (if they ever were) and he shouldn't try talking to her again. Sad music plays as she leaves and Dylan looks sad. I bet on the flip side of the commercial Courtney's in love with him all over again. Ugh...


Hillside - Table in the Middle of the Hall. Olaf is still working on the geography project. Kelly comes over to talk to Olaf, and also steal his notes. I mean, she's talking to him about Brooke, but she's hungrily eyeing the notes she's going to use to destroy Brooke. Olaf gets a little weirded out by her intensity and puts the notes back in his bookbag. Kelly retreats until she can find a moment where Olaf is distracted, which shouldn't be too long really.

Billy comes over to Olaf looking sad. It's Dylan. Billy still feels bad about his concert getting cancelled. OMG, are we still not over this?? Olaf tells him to just talk to him already. Well at least this retread was relatively brief.

It's later now, I guess, because it's the same place, but Courtney is now sitting like 5 feet from where Billy and Olaf were and nobody seemed to see each other. Jake comes over to Courtney. She tells Jake about letting Dylan have it at lunch. Jake is thrilled. But not Courtney! Oh no. She feels worse than ever! Why, you ask? Because she's decided her inner and outer ugliness is really the source of all the world's problems. She was wrong to think Dylan or any guy could ever like her. She also figures she's responsible for her parents' DIVORCE. Her inability to dress well and do her hair also might be what causes the attacks on 9/11 ten years in their future and why so many people lost so much money in the Bernie Madoff ponzi scheme. The oil spill in the gulf will happened because she's undatable! Climate change is real because she repulses the very forces of the Natural Order of the Planet!! Jake tries to comfort her. It's not true! She's not worthless! Courtney means everything to him. And then he leans in for the most awkward kiss ever. Oh, it's so painful! See for yourself!



What makes it really bad is that Courtney shoves him off really hard before he can actually make contact. Then she freaks out on him. How DARE he? They're supposed to be friends! She storms off. Yeah, that must've been awful for you, Courtney. A decent guy who always listens to your stupid problems like they mean something wants to kiss you and make you feel better? What a violation of trust. I feel so bad for you, you horrid bitch.

Avalon - Conspirator's Corner. Jake sits by himself. Was Loser's Table already taken? Olaf comes over to talk to Jake and possibly have his notes stolen by Kelly if it hasn't happened yet. Jake tells Olaf how much life sucks and how people don't really want to know how you're feeling. They just want you to listen to their problems. Jake's tired of just being everyone's friend and nothing more than that. He gets up and leaves Olaf there to worry over Jake's state of mind. What if Jake kills himself in despair? Courtney would definitely find a way to turn it around so it was all about her, which would suck. But then Brooke would find a way to make her feel guilty about it until Courtney went crazy. That would rule!


Olaf continues to stare after Jake for what seems like an eternity. Finally, after enough time passes for Jake to have walked out into the street and thrown himself in front of a car, Olaf turns around and goes to start work on his geography paper. Only when he opens his backpack and takes out his folder, the pages and pages of notes are gone! GONE! Who could have stolen them? Well, Kelly did. But WHEN??


Hillside - Girls Locker Room. Brooke is here which makes no sense because I'm sure they've already established that they have gym in the morning and Brooke would NEVER play after-school sports, but the Continuity Police have been responding to calls all episode so I can't get them on the case now. Kelly comes in, fresh from stealing Olaf's notes. She can't even worry about blowing her cover story with Brooke, because the new gossip she just scored is so good it trumps everything else. Ashley was just caught cheating on her MATH TEST! What I thought was her scribbling homework earlier was actually her making a cheat sheet. And she sucks so bad at cheating, she got caught. Kelly and Brooke cackle like hyenas. It's a shame Kelly's about to blow up their friendship. They are at their best when they are bitches united.


Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Jake (who apparently didn't kill himself in the Avalon parking lot) and Ashley walk down the hall like zombies. Jake tries to understand why Ashley did it, and Ashley tries to explain. It's all stuff you've heard. She didn't know anything, so she tried to cheat. Case closed. Turns out she's no grander than the rest of us. She's humiliated and thinks everyone will think she ALWAYS cheated on everything. Jake says no one will think that. Which might be more convincing if right at that moment Brooke and Kelly didn't slither up next to Ashley and tell her how shocked and disappointed they were to hear that she's a cheater. Everyone in the school knows! They are appalled to discover she is dishonest. Ashley runs off the (fourth time today!), possibly to throw herself out a window. Jake says he'd beat the crap out of Brooke if she were a dude. I honestly don't think Jake would win that fight no matter what Brooke's gender. Brooke doesn't think so either.


Dylan's Garage Band - Dylan's playing a sad song because they say so much. There's a knock at the door. Dylan doesn't respond. If it's a crazy girl that wants to make out with him, he's seen enough of those lately. He plays again and there's a knock again. Billy comes in. They don't know how to communicate with words because they are... musicians? So they jam together and everything's cool between them. Aww?


Avalon - Loser's Table. Matt is sitting there Drunk and Angry. Jake comes over to him looking for Ashley. Matt doesn't care where she is. She is the root of all evil at Hillside, in his eyes. First she spread rumors about him and now she's a cheater? Matt's disgusted. He can't believe he has to deal with the whole school thinking he's an alcoholic, and momentarily I feel for him. That does kinda suck, since he's really NOT an alcoholic. He's just on his way to being one, and really who amongst us isn't? But Jake is finally fed up with Matt's whining. He calls Matt a jerk (he searches for an insult for a while and that's all he comes up with. Sigh.) and tells him he's the source of all Ashley's problems. Matt gets up to punch Jake out, but Jake just keeps yelling at him and then storms out. Matt doesn't pursue him. Jake exits past Kelly who is making a call on the payphone. She tells whoever she's talking to on the phone about the shouting match between Matt and Jake, but that's not the point of the call. She tells Mystery Friend that it's all set up. In a few days, Brooke is finally gonna get what she deserves! Man, everything seems to be falling apart. That must mean it's time for a shocking season finale!


Next Time! On FIFTEEN! The shocking season finale!!! It's all been leading up to this. Well, to this or to nowhere, and I'll tell you right now about 85% of it leads to nowhere. I don't want you to get your hearts broken next week. But you can look forward to: Brooke officially throwing her hat into the race for Student Council President, Kelly making a play for Dylan (!!!), and Brooke vowing revenge on multiple people! Break out the sunscreen and the bug spray! Schools almost out for summer!!

Last Time on FIFTEEN: Theresa and Kelly started plotting against Brooke. Drunk Matt got kicked off the basketball team for being drunk and belligerent. Courtney and Billy threw an unchaperoned party that produced one hilarious disaster after another and humiliations galore for Courtney. Jake and Ashley abandoned the party in a noticeable rush so they could go save Matt from alcohol poisoning or some other booze-related fiasco. It was high drama for all.

Episode 11: Damage Control - Political and social scandals abound. Let's hope it goes the way of Edwards, Woods or Schwarzenegger. Reputations will be ruined FOREVER!


Avalon - Loser's Table. Courtney and Ashley sit and mope. Ashley makes up a million excuses, but the real reason she feels like hell is that she had to deal with Drunk-Ass Matt this past weekend and that consumed all her time and energy. She's not confiding in Courtney about this, because they are not really friends. Courtney had a horrible weekend too, all because her non-boyfriend Dylan gave her the literal brush off after she literally CLUNG to him at her party. But yeah... um... Dylan sucks! It's not Courtney's own damn fault at all!

Ashley apologizes for running off without saying anything. Courtney assumes there was a problem with Matt, since he got kicked off the basketball team and is kind of an explosive moody asshole generally anyways. Ashley swears everything is fine. Matt's fine!!! Courtney isn't gonna dig any deeper because she really only cares about herself. They run off to school, leaving two completely filled glasses of OJ behind them on the table (they do take their breakfast pastries with them for the walk to school.)


Hillside - Girls Locker Room. Kelly and Brooke discuss what happened with Matt and Ashley on Friday night. Kelly hasn't heard anything more about it. Brooke tells her she's losing her touch as Gossip Queen. Kelly takes this slight VERY seriously and clarifies that she WILL figure it out. Brooke recounts the events of the night trying to piece it together. Kelly thinks it might be nothing, but Brooke is convinced it's MAJOR. Time for some bitchy sleuthing for our girls!

Hillside - Main Hall. Brooke and Kelly find YET ANOTHER WAY TO ENTER THE HALLWAY and eventually run into Cindy and Olaf who are installing the recycling bins. Brooke is pleased with their progress. Olaf tells her they made 4 bins and it took them all weekend. That is some seriously mismanaged time right there. Those things are made out of cardboard at best. Brooke claims credit for their work, and then tells them to move the box they are working on to the other side of the room. Olaf and Cindy give her death glares. Brooke and Kelly depart. Cindy wishes Brooke a slow and violent end.


Kelly and Brooke corner Ashley at her locker. Cam Jansen and Nancy Drew want Ashley to spill the beans about Friday night, or at the very least, drop them a clue they can follow. But first Brooke talks to her for like 15 minutes about the effing election for student council president. OMG just shut up about it already! Then they get down to business - what's wrong with Matt? Ashley insists he is FINE!!! And then she runs away. Brooke and Kelly know a liar when they see one. Their motivation to expose the painful truth increases tenfold.



Hillside -Main Hall. Courtney is complaining to Jake about Dylan. For 10 effing minutes. I can't go through it all again, I can't! Courtney finally realizes nobody wants to hear this shit anymore, and shuts up. Hooray! Jake tries to ask Courtney out AGAIN, and he stammers for forever about it per usual. Finally he asks her! And Courtney? She laughs in his face! No, really she does! She SO doesn't think of him sexually at all. She assumes he's just joking. Then she just wanders away from him. Jake's head is ready to explode.


Hillside - Main Hall. Brooke is lecturing to the masses about the success of the recycling program. All credit should go to her! Cindy and Olaf show up and subtly undermine her attempt at winning favor with said masses. Cindy is actually furious, but Olaf takes it mostly in stride. Also? no one is using the recycling bins to recycle. They are throwing trash in them. Trash and underwear. Maybe someone mistook it for a hamper.


Hillside - Stairs of Sadness. Brooke tells Kelly she'll need to make posters for the campaign. Kelly can't believe Brooke thinks that she is gonna make them. Kelly is all, "why would I do that?" Because Brooke has made Kelly her campaign manager! Duh! She just didn't get around to telling Kelly. Kelly can barely mask her contempt. But that's not all, Brooke has lined up for her. There's a geography paper Brooke has no interest in doing that she wants Kelly's sister to ghostwrite. Kelly growls that her sister is busy with her own work and can't just drop everything for Brooke. Brooke ups her offer to $20 bucks to get the job done. Kelly smiles and says she'll make it work since she loves Brooke ever so much. Brooke almost finds this attitude suspicious but let's it go. All the worse for you, Brooke. Kelly soliloquy's to us that she's finally ready to set her trap and take her best-frenemy down!!


Hillside - Locker Labyrinth. Billy and Courtney are talking about the same old stuff they always talk about. DIVORCE. DYLAN. There's no more story left between these two for the rest of the season. They are running on fumes. Courtney re-explains to Billy that Dylan's cancelled concert was really Dylan's fault, and that Billy shouldn't waste any more time feeling guilty about it because Dylan isn't worth it. That's Dylan's cue to walk up to them. Billy zooms away like he's The Flash. Courtney sticks around long enough for Dylan to start to almost-apologize before she stomps off. Cindy witnesses this last exchange and locks eyes with Dylan. She is giving him intense crazy eyes. Dylan backs away, afraid to break contact with her and then turns and books it for the door. Cindy just stares after him. It's creepy.


Avalon - Loser's Table. Jake and Ashley wallow in their misery. Worrying about Matt is destroying Ashley's life. His drinking is getting worse and worse and it's pushing her toward madness. She can't focus. She is completely unprepared for an upcoming test in History Class. (Remember that. It might prove to be an important plot point later.) Jake has no answers for her but tries to be encouraging. This show has no adults, so they can't go talk to a counselor and get a pamphlet titled "So You Think Your Boyfriend is an Alcoholic Loser."


Jake and Ashley keep going on and on about Matt's DRINKING PROBLEM and how they have to keep it a secret even though they are talking about it very loudly in a public space with people all around them. Even the usually whispering Ashley has her voice echoing throughout the room. Sure enough as they get up to go, we see Kelly has been sitting over at Conspirator's Corner and heard the whole thing. Her mind is blown.


Hillside - Table in the Middle of The Hall. Kelly comes in and spots Brooke. She rushes over to her to spill the beans about Matt, but Brooke is still focused on the geography paper. Oh, shut up about that, Brooke! Matt's an alcoholic. WHAAAAAT? says Brooke, with her eyes all ablaze with delight. Kelly explains how she overheard it from Jake and Ashley that maybe Matt almost died from alcohol poisoning on Friday, so the source is legit. Before Brooke can get more info, Kelly rushes off. She can't devote all her time to Drunk Matt. She has to take down BFF Brooke as well! These schemes don't hatch themselves!


Dylan's Garage Band. Crazy Eyes Cindy has followed Dylan back to his garage. She fiddles with the keyboard for a minute and then lashes out at him for the way he's been treating Billy and Courtney. Why doesn't he just apologize to them already? Dylan tried to earlier but it wasn't so easy with them running away and stomping off and all. Cindy calls him out on all his shit for the entire season, tells him to man up and then storms out of the garage. Are those two even friends? Are Cindy and Courtney even friends? Why is she involved in this? Ah, well.


Hillside - Main Hall. Ashley comes down the Stairs of Sadness to meet Drunk Matt. He's already screaming at her about her stupid yearbook meeting running long. What a prince. Ashley says it will still be another hour. Matt almost loses it completely, but somehow takes a deep breath and agrees to meet Ashley back there in an hour, after he stops by the Avalon and perhaps a local liquor store. Ashley lies and says she's looking forward to it.


Avalon. Matt walks in and sees Kelly and Brooke at the counter. Kelly retreats to Conspirator's Corner so as not to be implicated in Brooke's approaching dirty work. Brooke invites Matt to sit on the stool next to her. Matt's got nothing better to do, so he agrees. Brooke starts in about student council president blah-blah-blah and then cuts to the chase. How does it feel being an alcoholic with a huge DRINKING PROBLEM? Matt is floored. Where did Brooke here this?? Well from Ashley, of course! Brooke tells him Ashley has been talking about it with all her friends, trying to figure out what the hell to do with him and his horrible disease. Brooke assures him they will all be there for him in his hour of need. Matt storms out, and Kelly and Brooke celebrate FINALLY ruining things for good for Little Miss Perfect.


Hillside - Olaf's Corner, now with a new recycling bin! Billy comes over to Olaf and tries to make some small talk about the bin and then shuffles away. Olaf tells him to hold up. They rehash everything, as people on this show always do. Whatever. Billy apologizes for being an idiot and they are friends again. They go off together to have make-up chess.


Avalon - Payphone of Payback! Kelly is on the phone talking to an unseen conspirator. Her sister? Theresa? Someone else? Whoever it is, she informs them that it's all set up and she can't wait to see Brooke's face when she realizes what's happened. Neither can I!


Hillside - Main Hall. Ashley paces while waiting for Matt to show up. Here he comes, as drunk and angry as ever. Ashley's all, what's your problem? Matt accuses her of telling the whole school about what happened on Friday night. Ashley insists she did no such thing. Matt doesn't care. He's filled with so much RAGE! It's over between them! He never wants to speak to her again!! He storms off, and Ashley is left there, exhausted and emotionally destroyed. A nervous breakdown is not far off! Hooray!


Next time! On FIFTEEN! Drunk Angry Matt starts accusing Jake of telling people about his DRINKING PROBLEM. Jake's so over it. Brooke pushes Ashley ever closer to a total mental breakdown. Dylan tries to apologize to Courtney AGAIN and she is unforgiving AGAIN (or is she?). Kelly moves closer to checkmate on Brooke. The penultimate episode of the season is upon us. YES.